


The Witch and the Winchesters

by mittensmorgul (MittenWraith)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Archived From Mittensmorgul Blog, Character Study, Gen, Meta Essay, Nonfiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2019-12-02
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:53:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21641770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MittenWraith/pseuds/mittensmorgul
Summary: (yes, all of the Winchesters) (but mostly just Rowena herself)(this is not a post about shipping)Rowena and the Unfridged Feminine in Dabb Era
Comments: 20
Kudos: 41





	The Witch and the Winchesters

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this sure I would post it to tumblr, and then it ended up being nearly 13k words. So I'm posting it here. I still consider this essay incomplete, but as canon stands after 15.06, this is a good start.

I'm gonna start this out by linking the Superwiki page on Rowena, because that at least covers the general narrative facts of Rowena's history in canon. But obviously that's just the bare, basic things and not every detail. It doesn’t encompass the overarching themes, plot continuity, character development, emotional beats, etc. Look at any Superwiki character page, and what you get is a rough description of the main plot points the character is involved with directly in each episode they appear in, or are even mentioned in. These are brief summaries that don’t even encompass the entirety of the episode. There's no way they could possibly encompass much beyond "this character did xyz things, which resulted in abc happening in the episode." But a lot of posts I've seen going around since Rowena's most recent death seem to disregard even these basic listicles of facts from canon, so this is probably a good place to start.

<http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/Rowena>

Also, all blockquotes containing transcript quotes can be found on the [superwiki, as well, under each respective episode](http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/Category:Episodes).

This post will likely be far more accessible if you’ve at least run your eyes down that page if you need a refresher on Rowena's entire arc, because I'm going to use that information as a template to fill in the gaps that can't possibly fit into a tidy paragraph per episode.

This is a Very Long Post. I mean, the only female character who has appeared in more episodes than Rowena is Mary Winchester, and she had a nine season head start. That said, let’s at least make an attempt to highlight Rowena’s narrative relevance and her role within the larger Supernatural story structure.

We first learn of Rowena's existence (or Crowley's mother's existence, at any rate) back in 8.22. At that point, Crowley seems to recollect her with a certain fondness, crediting her for his knowledge of and talent with witchcraft. When we hear of her again (in 9.21), we learn Crowley didn't consider her a good role model, explaining to his own son Gavin that she was a witch, as if that fact alone was enough to convey how bad a role model she was. The anti-feminine bias is clear, despite Crowley’s personal use of witchcraft he credits learning from his mother in the first place. Witchcraft in Supernatural has typically been coded as female, or largely the domain of the feminine. This will be key to understanding Rowena’s entire importance in the narrative.

When we first actually see Rowena for ourselves, in the closing shots of 10.03, immediately after Dean is cured of being a demon, she's just sitting in a fancy hotel room reading a book and having a cup of tea with two men pinned to the ceiling above her, as one does. It's quite the random introduction. We don’t know who she is, or even _what_ she is. There was a lot of assumption after it aired that she could be s10's up and coming Big Bad, speculation that she was a demon, and what her agenda might be.

Her first substantial appearance in an episode was in 10.07, where we learn a good bit of the surface-level of her history with the Grand Coven, having been banished from the group, and her current fight to establish her own coven despite her banishment. She looks for power wherever she can find it, and doesn't care for anyone but herself. She also has a particular distaste for demons. In this episode, it doesn't matter who she hurts, as long as she walks away at the end of the day. She goes after men (and specifically in THIS episode, demons) who use women for their own personal gain. As we'll learn later (much later, and in exceptional and painful detail), this is incredibly personal for Rowena.

Also, she may have originally been Bobo Berens' character (because come on, the 10.03 bumper doesn't really tell us much about her character. Bobo actually built her story, and I wouldn't be surprised in the least to learn that he wrote the scene in the hotel in 10.03, either), Andrew Dabb himself made her into something far more than a mere antagonist. He made her into mirror of his entire narrative post-s11-- The Unfridged Feminine.

I have read many posts this season suggesting that Rowena's relationship with Magic is about her fundamental belief in magic itself, and the preservation of that magic is her passion, the only thing she is truly invested it. And I would, respectfully, like to call bullshit on that one. That suggestion is tantamount to insisting that Castiel's grace is the only thing he cares about, that his mojo is his defining passion as a character and the one thing he believes in enough to sacrifice himself for over and over again. That is an unacceptably narrow take on a character we will witness completely broken down and reassembled (with a notable key piece still to fit into the puzzle) over the course of six seasons. I'm honestly baffled as to why so many people see and appreciate this in Castiel, and yet dismiss Rowena's similar arc and handwave her backstory and emotional growth to boil her down to the vehicle that brought about the fulfillment of Sam's long history with his own powers (which, yes, goes back to the pilot episode in canon through the demon blood/special children/powers!Sam arc). I haven't seen anyone (well, anyone I think is even remotely paying attention, or not motivated by their own misguided agenda) suggest that Castiel's entire purpose in canon will be to die to service Dean's eventual peace at the end of the road. So let's not pretend that we don't see this direct parallel, or else chalk it up to misogyny and just move on anyway.

Since, as I see it, Rowena's story has centered not around her magical powers (sure, on the surface layer it looks that way), but as one of the show's longest running and most in-depth portrayals of a woman in a world of men, I'm going to take the liberty of dignifying her arc by beginning this discussion in the middle of it. In the turning point of her story in an episode I've long considered the unofficial handoff between Carver Era and Dabb Era-- 11.10, The Devil In The Details-- written by Dabb as the midseason premiere in a season that effectively "Unfridged The Original Fridged Feminine Principle" of the entire Supernatural universe. S11 Unfridged Amara, initially making her out to be the Biggest Big Bad of all time, the destructive force that could only tear the whole of creation down, and then showed us the truth of it as Chuck’s propaganda reframing his culpability for having locked her away in the first place. And Rowena's part in this season is almost as significant as Dean's via his direct connection to Amara that plagued him all season long. It laid the groundwork for Rowena to become Something Bigger within the narrative herself.

Rowena's early introduction to the show was through the point of view of a man-- Crowley. Crowley had blamed her for his terrible childhood, while also, as I said above, crediting her for his skill with witchcraft, one of the sources of his power that had been key to his ascension to King of the Crossroads, and then eventually to King of Hell (a position he later admitted in his final episode was something he'd never really wanted, but it was the only way he could prevent someone worse from wielding that much power over him-- like all of Rowena's motivations for all the terrible things she did were borne of _self-preservation_ , so Crowley's Terrible Choices along the way were also framed this way... wonder where he got THAT from, right? Which makes Crowley's fall in s12 look more like a fridging for womanpain... (in light of Rowena's motivations in 13.19, especially).

I hate taking this aside right now when I'm trying to focus on Rowena, but the narrative killed BOTH of them in 12.23, and I remember initially believing that Rowena had been fridged for Crowley's sake and that he would be the one returning in s13, so when it came out very soon after that there was no plan to bring Crowley back, I realized that Crowley was literally fridged for Womanpain... and the narrative was going to return her stolen story to her, and would side with her for all of this, just as it "used its words" to justify what the original Mansplainer Chuck had dictated as the story for Amara, and Mary, and the entirety of Fridged Female Agency that had now been returned to the story by Amara to regain their own agency. So that's the baseline from which I'm writing this post.

And the ONLY reason we got this fuller, richer story of Rowena's own deepest, darkest buried truths about herself in 11.10 was because A MAN FORCED HER TO CONFESS IT. Granted, the man in question was her own son calling her out on her failure as a mother to him and expressing his hurt over her abandonment and her failure to love him, but the way he did it removed ALL of her own agency in the process, with Dean's help. (and all of this was in service to yet another male-presenting character-- Lucifer-- that yet another male character-- Sam-- insisted might be their only hope against defeating, destroying, or otherwise locking away again of The Original Fridged Feminine of the entire Supernatural Universe-- Amara, so in retrospect after 14.20 and the rest of s15 as it's unfolded so far, I NEED everyone to recall all of these parallels, because THIS has ALWAYS been the story that Dabb intended to tell).

So in 11.10, Dean (hey, another dude! Also one who we will learn that Chuck really, really wanted to be himself, to the point of eventually adopting Dean's habits, clothing, mannerisms, etc.) brought the Witch Catcher that Crowley would use to trap Rowena and FORCE her cooperation for their own ends. When Crowley is alone with her, he seeks to use her for his own personal entertainment and comfort (forcing her to hop on one foot in a parody of the "dance for me, motherfucker" trope, and then forcing her to provide him a shoulder massage), and then literally DEMANDING the truth from her when she had no choice but to give it to him. Recall also that the witch catcher device was effectively a cumbersome spiked dog collar with a handle on it, with all the spikes pointed inward into her neck. Quite the imagery, right? Because that's what Rowena had been treated as by every man who'd ever had power over her (including the narrative lens of Supernatural up to this point), and is symbolic of original crime against her that she'd spent the last 300 years convincing herself she'd finally begun to take control over for herself.

The fact that these were the circumstances under which this information is divulged is an irony not lost on us:

> Crowley: Mother, why do you hate me?  
> Rowena: I hate you, because when I look into your eyes I see the woman I used to be, before magic, before the coven. When I was nothing but Rowena, the tanner's daughter. A pale, scared little girl, who smelled of filth and death. I hate you, because when you were born, your father said he loved me. Then he went back to his grand wife and his grand house, whilst I lay pathetic and half dead on a straw mat, my thighs slick with blood. I hate you, because if I didn't, I'd love you. But love, love is weakness. And I'll never be weak again.

This is what is being recalled with what Sam said about her in 15.06 when he'd found her journals, teary-eyed for what they symbolized to her. This was the moment that he realized that Rowena was 100% in on the cosmic joke of her own life, since their fates had been inextricably linked since 13.19:

> SAM: Rowena got it. I mean, she didn't know all the details, but she knew the game was rigged. So this... Magic. This is how she kept control.

In the next moments, Sam understands just how false that illusion of control actually was, for both him and Rowena. And on some level, Eileen understands herself as she stands there as a ghost unable to interact with the story directly yet, but this is something far, far bigger for Sam in that moment, that touches on every aspect of his life reframed as part of God’s personal stage play, and everything he’s ever sacrificed or lost as a result of it.

But back to Rowena's statement to Crowley, because this is key. Magic, for Rowena, had always been about CONTROL. We’ll see how tenuous that control could be, but regardless it was her shield and sword in her lifelong battle to maintain agency as she struggled for personal security and safety. It was her defense against the pieces of herself she traded away in hopes of maintaining that control.

In this case, her original wound had revolved around a man in a position of power using her body for his own purposes and then throwing her away like so much disposable garbage when he was done with her. And the lie she'd bought into, that he’d lured her in with, was that he'd loved her. And the unspoken bit was that she really thought she'd loved him, too. This is why it hurt so much. His actions belied his words. She would never trust in love again. And especially not love of the product of that lie-- Crowley himself.

This was what she learned, though. She learned how to protect herself from that fundamental betrayal. Don't get attached, use people for what security and protection they could offer (be it financial, physical, magical, or otherwise), trading the only things she had for safety-- her power and her body.

From this point forward, we had a new light from which to view her character, as something other than Crowley's Origin Story Bad Guy. The narrative spent so much of s10, and even s11 and even into s12 framing her as an antagonist (or at least not a willing protagonist, especially where it came to Crowley), because she aligned herself against the interests of the main male characters in the story. And yet after this point, as we would eventually learn about Amara herself and the manipulation and horrors that Chuck forced her through in order to tell his own petty story of self-aggrandizement through his creation, at this moment we are encouraged to see that Rowena's entire story to this point had been crafted by a man-- ESPECIALLY after 15.02, and what we've seen Amara become herself, in spite of Chuck. The story has urged us to see BOTH of their sides, and as s11 draws to a close, Dean himself will help Amara find a middle ground with Chuck to begin reconciliation that will never come to fruition as long as Chuck refused to stop his eternal retelling of that original story, even as we can see it no longer makes any sense unless we understand that he never did truly reunite with Amara or change in any fundamental way after 11.23. He only dug in his heels harder, refusing to abandon his original vision and self-aggrandizement. He likes being in control, and the more he loses control, the harder he's tried to assert it on his creation. He's the original mansplainer, the original Nice Guy™, and we're all tired of his woe-is-me emotional games.

Back to 11.10 yet again, because Rowena was still learning back then. To that point in the story, her motivations had been pretty simple, while canon past this point would build her entire narrative arc around these exact principles.

She sought revenge against the Grand Coven-- a group of largely WOMEN (but not entirely, we have occasionally seen male witches) who'd not only banned her for having been "too extreme," but that we would later learn in 13.12 had not just outcast HER, but had also chained up her power, revealing that all this time she'd been artificially shackled from what she would describe in that episode as her ONLY self-defense against the terror and ongoing direct threat of Lucifer. Unlike every man before who Rowena wanted something from, in this episode she chose a different path with Sam. She didn't flirt the document that contained her desperate hope to protect herself out of his hands. She didn't threaten him with magic, she didn't hex him and grab it and run. She ASKED him for it. Almost BEGGED him for it, hoping that he, of all people, would understand. Which is incredible. And without asking anything in return, because they had this mutual understanding, this mutual horror of their direct experience of Lucifer showing them his true face, this deep and horrifying personal connection that Sam underscored by telling her he'd never shared that with anyone before-- including Dean specifically-- Sam gave her what she needed to protect herself. I think he's the only man in the history of ever to do that for her.

She's the only character in Supernatural that Lucifer has personally killed TWICE. (once while wearing Castiel's face, which has to be doubly difficult for her in her dealings with Cas...). In s11, Lucifer had used Rowena in exactly the same way we discovered he'd used Sam since 11.02-- manipulating them both through deceptive visions and promises of salvation, if only they would help him get free. Yes, Lucifer preyed on Sam by convincing him the visions may have been coming from God, and didn't disguise his identity to Rowena, but he was the most powerful being who'd ever offered her protection. And then he'd betrayed her. Disposed of her as soon as he had no need of her anymore, just as surely as Crowley's father had done. When she returned from that death in 11.18, her first self-resurrection in canon, she didn't run to any man for protection this time. Crowley had failed her, Lucifer had failed her. She instead ran to the most powerful female-coded force in the universe (which was only freed via Rowena’s personal sacrifice of the only living person she’d allowed herself to love) to offer her services in exchange for protection. She helped heal Amara from the smiting Heaven had issued in 11.09. Rowena had hoped that Amara would side with her, sharing common ground in their mutual betrayal and manipulation by men, and that Amara would understand Rowena's plight. Instead, Rowena was horrified to learn that Amara's goal at that time was to destroy everything Chuck had created after locking her up-- including the world and her own magic. Rowena may have had a self-interest in working to stop Amara after that, but after Amara's acceptance of creation and reunification with Chuck in 11.23, as we've now seen again in s15, Amara has grown to not only love creation, but to detest Chuck specifically and personally.

I'm going to take a small aside here to laugh so hard at this. So much of s11 was about Amara's wish for all of creation to die so that she would be all Chuck needed, and now Chuck seems to be the only thing she's not interested in at all. The creation that grew a will of its own and became something greater than either of them individually-- that's what Amara cares about now. And I think that's just beautiful. But that's also the antithesis to the story Chuck always wanted to tell. He never wanted a creation he could stand back and watch in wonder, he wanted a world he could stand above and look down on and feel powerful over. The repeated use of the phrase “wanting to feel big” has been applied as an accusation by Amara and now by Chuck himself as a plea for help from Becky, with all sinister overtones intended. For lack of a better way to say it, he wanted to play god. And his favorite story is still a tragedy that makes him out to be the ultimate Wronged Man who manipulated the story to justify his own selfish actions.

And funnily enough, as a result, Amara has grown into a position that... looks an awful lot like the one Rowena herself has grown into over the last few seasons after her own power unshackling. Right down to their respective wardrobe evolutions-- from Amara's black formal gown and Rowena's perpetual Red Carpet Glamour look to Amara taking care of herself doing yoga and having a massage and dressing like a self-made independent woman and Rowena frequently wearing classy but far more comfortable and practical pants and blouses. Rowena has moved from conning or magic-ing her way into living in luxury (remember those hotel employees tacked to her ceiling in 10.03?), to having established a more permanent home base for herself in her apartment. She's decorated it herself, to her own taste, with a secret room filled with her truly important possessions, safely locked away and guarded from everyone but Sam (and probably grudgingly Dean, too, because she knows where Sam goes, Dean's usually not far behind and it would be rude to kill the guy when he was just there to help Sam, you know?)

Rowena's secondary mission after we established her vendetta against the Grand Coven, was against the Men of Letters, after learning from Olivette (now the Grand Coven's official hamster mascot, I guess? thanks to a transformation Rowena labeled "poetic justice," after the coven had run her in circles for centuries, Olivette now has nothing to do but run in a hamster wheel) in 10.16 that it had been the Men of Letters who'd driven the coven to the brink of extinction in the first place, and stolen so much of their magic.

This was Rowena's mission in 10.17, in targeting Dean for death (and Sam surely was next on her agenda, as the only other known living Man of Letters). Only she had no idea that Dean was protected by the Mark of Cain, so her spell failed. She turned to a blatant lie to manipulate Crowley into killing Dean for her (the lie that Dean had beaten her, attacked her, hurt her physically, which as we’ve established was something Rowena was all too familiar with in reality, but again that’s exactly what she turns to as armor in this situation. Again, poetic, when we look past the pov of our male main characters and see HER pov here.). But Crowley's friendship and understanding of the Winchesters led him to get Dean's side of the story. On learning the truth, Crowley banished Rowena, too. (remember all of this was before Crowley knew the truth of her) To Crowley, this was good business and good riddance. To Rowena, it was only her proof that no man is trustworthy, no man will protect her, not even her own son. I mean, yeah, at this point, Rowena was manipulating Crowley as hard as he manipulated... pretty much everyone... but this was FIVE YEARS AGO, and she has absolutely grown since then, as I stated above.

I'm not here to dismiss the uncomfortable bits. I wouldn't dismiss the uncomfortable bits of any character arc just to suit my own agenda. Heck, when canon presented Dean/Crowey and termed their entanglement Dean's "summer of love," I wrote about that, too. I'm here for actual canon, not just the bits that justify any preconceived or desired characterization. So that said, let's get back to s10, with the reminder that this will always be my least favorite season overall for being a narrative mess that couldn't decide what its actual themes were from week to week. >.>

Rowena got a surprise at the end of 10.18, though. A surprise and a gift in the form of Sam Winchester asking for her help and presenting her one of the greatest magical treasures she'd ever laid her hands on-- The Book of the Damned. The terms of their deal would be hashed out in 10.19, where Sam agreed to kill Crowley in exchange for her help in translating the book and removing the Mark of Cain from Dean. Sam had no problem agreeing to her terms-- killing Crowley who had been sometimes an ally and sometimes an enemy, but he would struggle to actually complete the mission. The main plot of 10.19, though, is fascinating to me in terms of overall themes. And this was, again, Bobo writing Rowena.

The Werther Project. Sam calls Rowena for help when he finds the location of the codex she needs to decipher the Book of the Damned, held in a long-abandoned Men of Letters chapter house that had seen tragedy befall it after it was eventually bought by a family who didn't know of the danger buried behind a wall in their basement. This horrific power-- placed there by a man who wanted to use the power the MoL had amassed (particularly in this case a codex stolen from a witch of the Grand Coven) for their own purposes-- was broken open by a young woman lashing out in anger against her own unfair treatment by her family (her brother enjoyed privileges she did not, while she was expected to do chores and relinquish her own entertainment for her brother's comfort).

Sam goes to free this codex-- once the product and property of women, from the box that required the death of a Man of Letters (apparently) in order to unlock it. But the box contained a different lock, another layer of protection, as well, in the form of a spell that would compel the people present when it was activated into committing suicide by their own hallucinations. Dean hallucinated himself trapped in Purgatory again where a manifestation of Benny encouraged him to stay, to end it all, and not put the burden of killing him onto Sam and Cas. The woman who'd originally unleashed the curse on her own family had stayed in the house for more than 40 years ensuring that nobody ever fell victim to it again. Her hallucination had been to watch her family kill themselves all over again. At first, Sam hallucinated this woman pushing him to end it, but then Rowena mysteriously arrived and promised to help guide him to the codex.

I had to explain all of this, because Rowena... was Sam's hallucination. Only instead of just guiding him to kill himself to no purpose-- the way Susie and then Dean were being persuaded to-- she (as a manifestation of Sam's own subconscious and knowledge of what they were actually there to retrieve) guided him through opening the box. But Dean broke free of his own hallucination and found Sam bleeding out for the spell, and took over offering his own blood in addition. That was the key, that only two men working together could unlock the box and live, and it was Rowena (or a hallucination of her) that guided him to the solution.

She might not know about it, but this was how Sam saw her even then-- as nothing more than the potential solution to his problem. At that time, he was using her just like every other man, which he proved to her when he shackled her in iron and forced her to get to work deciphering the spell to save Dean. BOY HOW THINGS CHANGED by the time Sam would willingly give her the spell to unlock her own bound power, right? 2 1/2 seasons of growth, in fact, for both of them.

In the interest of not glossing over even the worst travesties of canon, since this was also relevant to what is possibly the fic I remain to this day most upset with myself over, Rowena was inadvertently cast into the role of a direct catalyst for Charlie's death in 10.21. (I feel like I should go back and cast a different female villain in that role and edit Rowena out of Just Like A Honeymoon, because hell she doesn't deserve that... hmm... maybe I'll swap her out for Lilith, considering Lilith was recently used as a tool by Chuck in s15 for this exact purpose... okay I've added that to my to do list.) This was what I was referring to about s10, that had no idea what its own themes even were, or what its purpose would eventually be. Rowena just got chained to a table and then thrown under a bus. At least s11 finally begins to give us her history in her own words, and the beginning of her own redemption arc (eventually even becoming friendly with an AU version of Charlie, in their "road trip" referenced at the end of s13). But this episode assigned an equal blame for initiating Charlie's death to Cas, who'd been left to "babysit" these two women and supposedly failed at that job because of his own distraction. I mean... >.> We don't blame Cas for this, so we equally should not hold this over Rowena, either. This was Sam's arrangement he orchestrated at all cost to save Dean. We were told he would go to dark places in s10, and this was one of them.

Rowena does (with Charlie's decoded codex) crack the spell to undo the Mark, only the spell calls for the one thing she says she cannot give it-- her love. There it is again, Rowena's insistence that love is weakness, and she doesn't love anything or anyone. Except Cas sees what she loves-- a boy she once knew who was still alive, granted extended life by Rowena hundreds of years ago. Crowley brings him to her, and Rowena (knowing the danger of the Mark and what it would turn Dean into, and wanting Dean free of it also so she would be able to kill him and Sam and everyone else who was forcing her to do this) sacrifices the one living human she had any love for at all. If Sam wouldn't fulfill his end of their deal and kill Crowley, well, she'd use her newfound power from the Book of the Damned to take care of it herself. She freezes Crowley in place and casts her attack dog spell on Cas, sauntering out of her own imprisonment and leaving them both to die, just as Amara is released. Tell me that's not a direct parallel, illustrating Amara's initial motivations on being freed-- destroy everything that had locked her away and remake everything in her own image.

On to s11... and Rowena captured by the Winchesters again, this time to remove the spell from Cas (who has in the interim been held and tortured by angels). She's no longer afraid of Dean now he's free of the Mark, until she learns what exactly her spell unleashed on the world. Sam wants her to hand over the Book of the Damned, but, this was long before Rowena was willing to share anything with him:

> Sam: Where is it?  
> Rowena: Where is what, dear?  
> Sam: The book! The Book of the Damned. The codex is in there, but the book is not. So where the hell is it?  
> Rowena: Do you take me for a fool? Like I'd run around with those two spectacularly powerful items anywhere in proximity.  
> Sam: Well, now we've got the codex and Charlie's code-breaking, so the book isn't as useful to you as it was.  
> Rowena: Or so you hope. That's what I admire in you, Samuel. That plucky optimism. That plucky, stupid optimism.

and also gleefully revealed Sam’s secret arrangement to Dean (with s11 beginning the modern era of Winchesters talking to one another more… for the most part…)

> Rowena: Oh, surely, you knew Sam made a deal with me to kill my son if I removed the Mark of Cain from your arm. Well, is the Mark gone? Yes. Is Crowley dead? No. Mm. Oh, he didn't know? He didn't know!  
> Sam: Look, I was gonna tell you. Obviously, nothing ever came of it, so I-I figured there was no point, you know?  
> Dean: No point, huh?  
> Rowena: I-I mean, I see what Dean's saying. Your wee pal Castiel wouldn't be in this pickle if you'd done what you'd promised. I would've had no reason to cast the attack dog spell if Crowley were already dead. Excellent point.  
> Dean: It's not my point. Sam knows my point. Keyword -- secrets.  
> Rowena: Ah, well, I'm just glad I got the conversation flowing. Family relations are a speciality of mine.

She removes the curse from Cas and then flees before the Winchesters can kill her, locking them in a warehouse while she escapes. But again, in this episode, she's attempting to build her own coven. She believes Crowley is dead, the Grand Coven is in shambles, and for the first time she feels confident enough to approach other witches instead of random desperate and downtrodden women. As they always did, the witches reject her again, mocking her even. They know Crowley still lives, and they don't care about the Book of the Damned, and Rowena kills them. Her second attempt is foiled by demons Crowley has sent to hunt and kill her, but Rowena escapes once more. It's after this we see her motivation to help yet again, after she's driven back into hiding, by Lucifer's visions and encouragement to help free him. I've already written about what happens surrounding these episodes-- 11.09 and 11.10-- as Sam calls on her for help to talk with Lucifer in the cage, and it’s her turn to betray him in accordance with her deal with Lucifer.

Funny how if Lucifer’s plan had gone the way Rowena had expected, the Lucifer she would serve would wear Sam Winchester’s face, and not Castiel’s. Her dream that Lucifer promised gave her a position as his closest advisor, and heck if it didn’t look at least sensual. Rowena, again, had expected that to be Sam’s body.

Interestingly enough, after her resurrection, Rowena is finally able to rally a coven around her to help with the weirdest group project in the history of the show. Thanks Bobo! Against Amara as the end of everything, and backed by God himself, Rowena gathers a coven of witches for their part of the plan to stop Amara from destroying the world. Crowley gathered his demons, Heaven arranged another mass smiting, and then Lucifer and Chuck would each take a turn-- and FAIL. Amara smited the other witches boosting Rowena's attack (and yet... left Rowena alive). (oh, and Amara sent Lucifer "away," in a fashion that had most of us hoping that he was dead-dead, and yet... it looked remarkably similar to how Chuck sent Becky and her family "away" in 15.03, so I'm really interested to see if that parallel continues) And yet, Amara dealt the final blow to Chuck, wounding him in such a way that his power would eventually diminish and fail, taking all of creation with it. Because Amara refused to be locked away again-- this time with Sam taking the Mark on himself. As Chuck begins to transfer the Mark to Sam, Amara realizes what he’s doing and stops him from locking her away again:

> Amara: I'd die a million times and murder you a million more before going back there! Tell me... if you won't change, why should I?

She deals Chuck what she believes is a wound equal to the one he dealt her, and Rowena is the first to notice the sun itself is fading.

And yet, in the end, Rowena is left to ponder (with the rest of them) that this really is the end of all creation. She swaps stories about "raising children" with Chuck over tea, ffs. And then teams up with Billie to create a weapon they hope will be powerful enough to counteract Amara-- a bomb powered with millions of human souls. The bomb... is Dean. His death was supposed to power the spell to destroy Amara, in a very “Death is an Infinite Vessel” fashion. Armed with that much Humanity, Dean faces Amara alone and actually reaches her with his words. 11.23 also marks Rowena's first encounter with Billie, which will take on miles worth of new weight in 13.19. And now in s15 with Rowena’s fate due to a similar sacrifice to the one Dean was prepared to make in 11.23.

In the wake of this, the original Darkness and Light of the universe reunited with her help, Rowena decided she was done with the supernatural. She would use her own magic, but after dealing with God, there's not much more power for her to seek out. She abandons her quest to build a coven, and instead seeks human, material comfort and security. In a way, going back to what she'd sought as a girl, before her lover abandoned her to die with infant Crowley hundreds of years ago. And again, very much like what Sam has always run away to when given the opportunity. Of course, it doesn't go well for her (it never went well for Sam, either. You can’t run away from who you are). Of course, Crowley would come drag her back into the story, recruiting her to help lock Lucifer back in the cage. She tries to refuse, but the threat of Lucifer still out there, still able to hurt her, draws her back. But Lucifer is far more powerful than Crowley expected, and even their combined efforts fail. Crowley flees and abandons Rowena to Lucifer. She fights back using her own wiles and power, weaking Lucifer and banishing him far away from her. The problem is in no way solved permanently, but the immediate danger is handled. Sound like s15 to anyone else? Yeah.

She thinks she gets yet another victory against Lucifer, working the spell that will supposedly lock him back in the cage in 12.08, but once again, her success was thwarted by Crowley interfering and diverting Lucifer away for his own petty revenge purposes that will come back to bite him hard in 12.23...

Kinda seems like Crowley wanted to write his own story about power and control, and only repented of that ambition far too late to save himself. And Rowena again begins to assert her own power over both her life and the overall narrative when she helps retore the natural order and send Gavin back to his own time against Crowley's wishes. She thinks they're even now. She doesn’t yet know Lucifer is still alive, still being held by Crowley for his own arrogant purposes.

The next time after this that we see Rowena... she's a charcoal briquette courtesy of Lucifer in 12.23. He thinks there's no way she can come back from that. LOL. Sucks to be that guy... speaking of which, possibly the most Roweana-for-herself episode of season 12, which I (possibly fittingly) forgot to discuss, 12.11 Regarding Dean. Like 11.10, we learn much more about Rowena's history and what has traditionally driven her to become the person she was when we first met her. After Dean is cursed by a witch and is losing his memories-- and specifically asks that Sam not tell Cas or Mary what's happening to him-- Sam's first call is to Rowena, because witchcraft.

Only, what we see is a slice right out of Rowena's past. Her previous association with the Loughlin Witches in combination with what we already know of her history to this point belies the grand history she presents to people of some illustrious history with the Grand Coven. It becomes clear that so much of the glamour that Rowena puts on is as much of a con as the story she tells one potential suitor about her having danced for the Royal Ballet. Which is an incredible bit of knowledge about her in general, especially given the currently accepted status of "She's the most powerful witch who ever lived." Because she might be now, after her magic was unshackled, but for the vast majority of her life, she absolutely was not. From 12.11 (also written by Meredith Glynn, who wrote 15.06):

> ROWENA: How is he?  
> [Sam stares at her and then walks past her.]  
> SAM: Like you care.  
> [Rowena looks offended.]  
> ROWENA: Oh.  
> [Sam walks over and sits on a bed.]  
> SAM: You know, I've seen my brother die, but watching him become... not him... This might actually be worse.  
> [Cut back to Dean in the bathroom. He is splashing his face with water and looking intently into the mirror at his reflection.]  
> DEAN: Ahh. Okay. My name is Dean Winchester. Sam is my brother. Uh, Mary Winchester is my mom. And Cast—Cas is my best friend.  
> [He sighs and looks unsure about everything he just said.]  
> [Cut back to Sam and Rowena. Rowena is standing in front of Sam.]  
> ROWENA: We need to find that grimoire.  
> [Sam looks up at Rowena. He shakes his head and looks away smiling angrily.]  
> SAM: Of course. Of course. That's your angle, isn't it?  
> [Rowena looks at Sam as though she doesn't know what he means.}  
> ROWENA: Oh?  
> SAM: Oh, come on Rowena. A powerful spell book shows up and all of a sudden, you’re here to help? Altruism isn't exactly your style.  
> {Rowena looks resigned and give a small smile.}  
> ROWENA: True. Also, it never hurts to have a Winchester owe you one.

Considering we know that one season later, Sam will give her the page from THIS EXACT BOOK she needs to unlock her bound magic and protect herself. He didn't fully trust her then, but he still left Dean in her care. He’s STARTING to trust her, maybe even to like her after he sees how she deals with Dean in his current state. This episode has more to tell us about Rowena, though. Like the things she confessed to Dean when his memories were fading:

> ROWENA: Once, a beautiful witch was, again, run out of her homeland by those pompous, self-righteous, murderous hooligans. You know them as the British Men of Letters.  
> [Dean looks over at her and nods slightly before turning back to the doll]  
> DEAN: Hmm.  
> ROWENA: She sought refuge with a family of witches. All she wanted was a roof over her head and a safe place to hone her magic. Yet they threw her out like... like she was common trash. Said she wasn't up to snuff.  
> [Dean turns to look at Rowena again.]  
> DEAN: Oh, these witches sound like dicks. I think you got plenty of snuff.  
> [Rowena seems surprised by his statement and laughs.]  
> ROWENA: You can really remember nothing, can you? What a gift not to recall the things you've done.

and

> ROWENA: But... but... though you may be a stubborn pain in the arse with the manners of a Neanderthal and the dining habits of a toddler, everything you've done, you've done...  
> [She stops and makes a disgusted face behind Dean's back.]  
> ROWENA: for the greater good.  
> [Dean doesn't seem impressed by this.]  
> DEAN: Oh, and that's supposed to make it okay?  
> [Rowena scoffs and turns away.]  
> ROWENA: I wouldn't know. You help those other than yourself.  
> [She walks around behind Dean and stands beside him. Dean still looks unsure.]  
> ROWENA: But me, I've done horrible things, and I told myself it was fine. It was the price of power. And power's what matters, right?  
> [Rowena looks as though she's trying to convince herself that what she's saying is true.]  
> ROWENA: Then I met God and his sister.  
> [Dean gives her a "you met who" disbelieving look.]  
> ROWENA: The two most powerful beings in the universe, wasting it on squabbling with each other. I thought, if—if they can't be happy, or at least satisfied, how can there be any hope for me?  
> [Rowena looks at Dean as though she's hoping for an answer. Dean looks baffled as to what she wants him to say.]  
> DEAN: Why are you telling me this?  
> [Rowena smiles at him.]  
> ROWENA: Because I know you won't remember.

She's already begun to choose a different road for herself. These scenes serve as our window into her evolving self-image. So far, she can only tell Dean, who won’t remember any of it, but that strange situation gives her a chance to voice all of this, perhaps for the first time. When Rowena rushes to Sam's aid after he’s captured by the Loughlin Witches (with almost completely amnesiac Dean in tow, she won’t even abandon him now), she parks Dean in the Impala and goes inside to face her past, and now Sam's captors. The people she described above as witches she sought aid and shelter from years ago, on seeing her again they pretend they don't even know her now. And then it all just gets worse and worse.

You know my insistence that Rowena's only currency to protect herself over the last few hundred years was her magic and her body? And how I don't buy her "flirt with the most powerful or potentially dangerous thing in the room" as some inherent aspect of her personality proving she's just a power-hungry slut? If what she told Crowley in 11.10 wasn't enough to convince folks to Believe A Woman Telling You A Thing, please accept this:

> ROWENA: Catrina Loughlin. The years have not been kind.  
> [Cat seems disgusted to see Rowena.}  
> CAT: Who are you?  
> ROWENA: Rowena.  
> [Cat doesn't recognize the name. Rowena is annoyed by that.]  
> ROWENA: Rowena MacLeod?  
> [...]  
> CAT: Raggedy Ann.  
> ROWENA: Excuse me?  
> [Cat starts to descend the stairs as she speaks.]  
> CAT: I remember you – a rag doll all huddled up on our doorstep. I swore I could see the fleas nibbling away at whatever the hell was left of that dirty little body of yours. And still... still, you thought you were worthy of our magic.  
> [Rowena watches her coming down the stairs. Cat gets to the bottom and stands facing Rowena. Rowena turns to face Cat as Cat step closer to her taunting her.]  
> CAT: And when we disagreed... Oh... how you begged, how you threw yourself down and... offered yourself to each of us.  
> [Rowena closes her eyes, trying to contain her anger. Cat makes a disgusted face at her.]  
> CAT: Boyd almost took you up on it, too. But I told him, it would be cleaner with the pigs.  
> ROWENA: You know what they say?  
> CAT: Hmm?  
> ROWENA: Nothing heals old wounds like opening fresh ones.

She... had been willing to trade herself, debase herself... for shelter and safety... and instead was treated like dirt, worse than a doormat. Is it any wonder at all that she adopts the attitude she does with most men, with most people more powerful than herself, or anyone who might potentially offer her any advantage whether material or magical?

When all of this was over, when Sam asked, she handed over the grimoire. And Sam told her they owed her one. Sam, though, wasn't privy to this conversation with Cat. Wasn't even privy to what she told Dean about herself and her shifting values. But this was a major turning point for her, building off her s11 experiences. She acknowledged Sam as her equal, by her actions. WE saw this. She's not treating Sam like an apprentice, or someone she wants to educate or help hone his skills. She treats him like a FRIEND. And he returns the favor. I mean. WILD that folks can't see this, but Sam is not her apprentice. She doesn’t WANT an apprentice. What she wants is family, friends, and even if she can’t admit it to herself yet, love.

After 12.23, we next hear about her... FROM A MAN. Funny how that keeps happening to her, and by that I mean not funny at all. From Ketch, who lies for most of the episode about being his own identical twin, before confessing that yes, he is alive again because of Rowena's resurrection charm, which he got from her after he tortured her to death when he was with the BMoL, and then witnessed her come back to life. He agreed to let her go in exchange for a charm like that for himself, and now needs her to make him another. Sam and Dean tell him she's dead, and he is POSITIVE that she's alive, no matter what Lucifer may have done to her. Which is mildly terrifying in its own right, but heck good for her.

WE see her return in the episode I have now described about six times in this post, 13.12. This is also the episode she learns Crowley died, and HOW he died, sealing Lucifer in an alternate universe, which establishes her motivation for her actions in 13.19. But let's talk a bit more about 13.12 first. Both of these episodes were written by Steve Yockey, and bless him.

Oh, and this is yet another episode where Sam needs her help after Dean has been cursed-- this time with a love spell-- which Rowena breaks as part of her grand re-entrance to the story. Apologies in advance for a REALLY long block quote of transcript here, but this was huge, for both Rowena and Sam. She could’ve ignored Dean and Sam, left Dean to die of the love curse, or beat Sam to death trying to escape, and gone right after the witches who’d taken the grimoire she wanted, but that wasn’t ALL that mattered to her, anymore. And this is the beginning of her proving it to Sam. It’s a wobbly start, but heck, baby’s first Good Deed couldn’t not have a complication or two. Rowena’s too scared to trust everything will just work out in her favor, and always has a backup to the backup to the backup plan.

> ROWENA: Well, this is boring. Is there… I don’t know, music?  
> SAM: Yeah, yeah. Dean has a tape of Led Zeppelin’s “Moby Dick” with an 8-minute drum solo. [Sam reaches into the glove box] Let me see. It’s around here somewhere.  
> ROWENA: Are you very sure I can’t just enslave some townsfolk and make them take us to the girls?  
> SAM: I’m very sure you can, but I’m also very sure you shouldn’t.  
> ROWENA: Bless your precious heart, you just described my entire life.  
> SAM: [turning to face Rowena in the back seat] Rowena, even if you pull off whatever plan you’re trying to pull off, and even if you manage to get the book back –  
> ROWENA: [interrupting] I’ve been on my best behavior.  
> SAM: [nods in acknowledgement] Okay, sure. Let’s say you get the book. It’s not going to change anything. You’re still going to feel helpless. What Lucifer did to you–  
> ROWENA: [interrupting] Told you, I don’t… [puts on a brave, solemn face] Before he crushed my skull, Lucifer showed me his face. His true face. [brave façade cracks] I’m scared, Sam. All the time.  
> SAM: I’ve seen it too. What he really looks like behind – behind whatever vessel. It… Yeah, still keeps me up at night.  
> ROWENA: How do you deal with it?  
> SAM: I guess I don’t deal with it. Not really. I mean, I pushed it down and, um, the world kept almost ending, so I keep pushing it down, and I don’t know. [stammering] I really don’t talk about it, not even with Dean. I mean, I could. You know, he’d listen, but… That’s not something I really know how to share.  
> [...]  
> SAM: Even if you do get the book, and even if you get your power back, it won’t matter. You won’t ever be able to change what happened. You won’t be able to change how helpless you felt, or how helpless you feel. You’re still gonna get scared. And that feeling… that feeling never goes away.  
> ROWENA: Never?  
> SAM: Never. [Rowena opens the car door to exit] Hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What are you doing? Where are you going?  
> ROWENA: I just need a minute. I’m not fleeing. Don’t release the hounds.

Aka that conversation that made me think they were really doing this thing, because that is about 1000000000x more than Sam has ever opened up to another living human being, like, ever. Sam's been holding that in for nearly a decade, just... ignoring it. But there’s more to this episode, where she also learns how Crowley died in 12.23.

> DEAN: Killed himself for us.  
> ROWENA: That doesn’t sound like him.  
> SAM: Right, well, Fergus, uh, uh… Crowley, um, he had changed a lot. You’d have been proud of him.  
> ROWENA: Is that so? [emotionally] Fergus was my only child. And I promise you, I’d much rather have a living son, even one that hated me, than a dead hero.  
> SAM: Because of him Lucifer is trapped in another reality. So…  
> DEAN: Yeah, the Devil’s gone.  
> ROWENA: Oh, don’t be stupid. He’s never gone!  
> SAM: Okay, listen, I know what Lucifer is cap–  
> ROWENA: [interrupting] Oh, can we not? It’s like reminiscing about an abusive relationship. Why do that?

I mean, she was right, on all counts... and she knows from abusive relationships...

> ROWENA: [paging through the Grimoire] You really thought after all that, I was going to try to kill you?  
> SAM: Yeah, you double-crossed us.  
> ROWENA: Triple-cross, actually. So I ended up on your side, and we defeated the villains, just as I planned.  
> SAM: Yah, not buying that.  
> DEAN: And that book? You’re either going to give it to us or we can take it, either way.  
> ROWENA: [pleading whispers to Sam] You know what I’ve seen, what it’s like. Lucifer may be locked away, but he’ll be back. He always comes back. And when he does… I can’t be helpless again. I need the spell.  
> [Sam, with a look of understanding, still takes the Grimoire from Rowena and she leaves]

And we only find out, hours later, when Dean's paging through the book, that Sam actually gave Rowena the page she wanted.

After seeing Sam's hopelessness and denial in the previous episode, THIS CONVERSATION WITH ROWENA SPECIFICALLY helped him come to terms with that.

> SAM: She didn’t get in my head.  
> DEAN: Look, what happened to Rowena was messed up, okay? But you just let the deadliest witch in the world walk away with a page from this book.  
> SAM: Yeah, and if Rowena breaks bad, I will hunt her down myself and put a bullet in her. I will Dean. But if she’s right, and if she does see Lucifer again, then… I hope she makes him suffer.  
> DEAN: You gotta get out of this dark place. You know, whatever’s going on in your head…  
> SAM: Dean.  
> DEAN: What?  
> SAM: [inhales deeply] You know what? Honestly?  
> DEAN: Yeah, how ‘bout honestly.  
> SAM: I know what Rowena is dealing with. And she’s not the only one who… [inhales deeply] feels helpless.

Rowena’s talk helped him actually admit it not only to himself, but to Dean. He knows he's not alone, because Rowena shares his exact experience. They have established them as equals in this. And he confesses about not having been able to save Jack, and Mary. (oh, his son, nbd, sure that's not relevant to Rowena's upcoming episode where she will fight to bring back her son... in fact the second featuring her personal story in s13, and the third built on her character, but that's not significant at all...). Rowena uses the spell and unbinds her power, and then goes on a mission. She's just learned that Crowley died, and how, and she IS now safer, and feels more powerful than she has in centuries. Maybe... maybe if Crowley could die doing something noble, she could do something noble for him for once. Which brings us to 13.19.

(after a brief aside to explain that Rowena confesses her fear of Lucifer and then frees herself in the same episode where the other half of the action is Castiel LITERALLY freeing himself from Asmodeus’s prison and telling Lucifer exactly how he feels about him, and taking back his own power, because Jack is nothing like Lucifer because of how he was raised… by the Winchesters. But I’m sure that theme isn’t relevant to both Cas and Rowena equally in this episode). Okay NOW on to 13.19:

> Dean: I knew it… I friggin' knew it, man! You gave her that page! What do you think was gonna happen, huh?  
> Sam: She wanted to protect herself.  
> Dean: Yeah, by barbecuing someone!  
> Sam: We don’t know what this is yet. Maybe she had a reason…  
> Dean: Doesn’t matter what the reason is… That’s not okay!  
> Sam: Okay, I said if Rowena goes bad again I’d deal with it… So I’ll deal with it.

Dean immediately thinks Rowena betrayed them, but Sam... defends her. And Dean's next line after this, to Cas, is to beg him not to get dead again before they leave for their respective missions (Cas to Heaven to ask for help from the angels with the Michael situation, Sam and Dean to track Rowena).

> Jessica: If just one person dies before their time a lot of things that were supposed to happen…don’t. The ripple effect from just one early death can affect hundreds of lives and changing their fates changes even more fates until things just become sincerely unfortunate and we have to hit the reset button.  
> Sam: What does that mean?  
> Jessica: Usually? A mass kill off, like the Black Plague or a mid sized war… Something to wipe the board clean. So… your help in avoiding that would be greatly appreciated by everyone.  
> Dean: If it’s so bad, why don’t you stop her?  
> Jessica: You’ve met Billie, right? She’s got rules. Clean hands… no interference… no direct interference, anyway. We can’t stop her, but you can. {she looks directly at Sam}  
> Sam: What… Me?  
> Jessica: Death keeps notebooks of all the ways a person might die depending on their choices. Dean’s seen his.  
> Dean: I gotta whole shelf.  
> Jessica: But in Rowena McLeod’s notebook her death is always the same. She’s killed Sam Winchester… By you!  
> Death sent the Winchesters' reaper babysitter orders to stop Rowena from throwing off the entire balance of fate, because Sam was always the only one fated to kill Rowena. And yet, even with this knowledge, Sam tries once to kill Rowena (and fails):  
> Sam {upset}: Were you just playing the whole time?  
> Rowena {sympathetic}: Of course not, but once I unlocked my power, I couldn’t just hide away… I realized I can right some wrongs that are long overdue.  
> Dean: By killing innocents?  
> Rowena: Innocents?! These drug company people. They lied about their product for money! Money they used to avoid the law. They’ve hurt thousands of sick people, which makes them far worse than most of the monsters you’ve killed. I’m striking a blow for justice!  
> Sam: Yeah, then why are you killing the reapers?  
> Rowena: Well, they’re just a means to an end. It’s not easy to get Death’s attention.  
> Dean: Trust me… That’s not the kind of attention you want.  
> Rowena: Oh but it is. Death has something I want.  
> Sam: What’s that?  
> Rowena: My son! After you told me he was gone… How he died… I had an unexpected reaction. We had our differences, but it’s my fault he went down the path he did. I left him.  
> Dean: We’re talking about Crowley… Demon… King of Hell?  
> Rowena: We’re talking about Fergus… a man abandoned and loveless tricked by a demon… died in a gutter. He deserved better from the world… from me!  
> Dean: Well, Crowley’s dead. There’s no coming back from that.  
> Rowena: Oh, is that so, Dean? Are only Winchesters allowed to come back from the dead? The rest of us just have to accept it? I don’t think so! I’m putting death on notice.  
> Dean: Alright.  
> Sam: Well, she’s taken notice.  
> Rowena: She? Interesting.

Lol... "US" Sam? Really? Dean didn't buy her story back in 13.12, that was all on you, hon. But here we are, cards on the table, this is what Rowena thinks she wants, thinks this might be one way to begin to redeem herself. I mean bringing Crowley back so she can have another chance to be a decent mother to him, not killing rando morally awful people in the process. At least she chose morally awful people to sacrifice for this plot, right? The human equivalent of monsters that hunters would be compelled to kill? I feel like this is the "She's a little confused, but she's got the spirit" stage on all counts-- both the Crowley thing and the “being a good person” thing, but the one thing that truly hurts her is this:

> Sam: Rowena, STOP! {points the gun at her} Stay right there. Listen to me. I get what you’re trying to do for Crowley, but you’re messing with the machinery of the Universe. Death won’t give you what you want. You have to stop!  
> Rowena: I can’t stop, Samuel… You’ll have to shoot me. {she turns to face him and Sam, conflicted, eventually shoots. Rowena stops the bullet in mid-air with her hand, eyes glowing purple and the bullet falls to the ground}  
> Sam: H…how?  
> Rowena: You really would have shot me?

She's just... heartbroken that Sam could actually kill her (and Sam is clearly torn in his choice to pull the trigger, too). She’d thought they’d at least had an understanding, and she’s still floored by the revelation that Sam will always be the one to deliver her final death. Which we'll see inverted at the end of the episode, when she has Sam hostage as Billie turns up to chat. Rowena threatens Sam's life when making her demands of Billie, but Billie sees right through that. (again, apologies for the massive block quote of a transcript, but again, it’s all important)

> Sam: Rowena, listen to me… this power’s going to your head. It’s making you go crazy!  
> Rowena: Nooo, it’s giving me clarity. It’s showing me that everything I did before for wealth, for magic, for myself, meant nothing. And it took everything from me everyone I loved, my family, Oscar, my son. I’m a flawed, petty, evil creature, Samuel, and I don’t know if I can be redeemed but I have to try, and I do wish there was another way.  
> Sam: W…wh… what are you saying? {fearing for his life}  
> Rowena: Mmm, you said it yourself… There’s only one way to stop me. You! But if you’re dead, well then, I can’t be stopped, can I? Death will have to grant me an audience.  
> Sam: You… you…you don’t know that!  
> Rowena: True, but there’s only one way to find out. {She cuts her hand}  
> Sam {panic stricken}: What are you doing? What is that? {Rowena pours liquid onto her palm}  
> Rowena You don’t wanna know.  
> Sam: Rowena… Don’t do this! You don’t have to do this!  
> Rowena: What haven’t you done for your family? What wouldn’t you do? I’m sorry, Sam. {she thrusts her hand onto his tattoo and he screams}  
> Death: Hello, Rowena.  
> Rowena: You! I know you.  
> Death: We met when I was a reaper.  
> Rowena: We totally did. If we’d just exchanged numbers, none of this would have been necessary.  
> Death: You’re upsetting the natural order. That’s unwise.  
> Rowena: Bring back my son and it all stops. Say no and I’ll…  
> Death: No.  
> Rowena: Then I’ll kill Sam Winchester, that’ll really frog up your natural order, won’t it?  
> Death: Go ahead.  
> Rowena: What?  
> Death: I don’t think it’s a good thing and I don’t believe any of us will like what comes next, but I don’t do blackmail so… Go ahead.  
> {Rowena, knife in hand, turns to a frightened and struggling Sam}  
> Death: I’m curious to see what happens.  
> Sam: No, no, no, Rowena! I know what you went through and I know how much you lost and I realize how much you want your family back… Don’t do this… This is not you… Not any more.  
> Rowena: What happened to me… those were my choices, but Fergus never… it wasn’t fair! {Rowena turns towards death and screams} IT’S NOT FAIR! {Rowena blasts Death with purple light which has no effect}  
> Rowena falls to her knees  
> Death: You were never going to kill him. There was a time you would have, but not now.  
> Death kneels in front of Rowena and raises her head tenderly.  
> Death: I can see that.  
> Rowena {crying}: I don’t know why I’m doing it.  
> Death: Sometimes life is unfair and sometimes we lose things and sometimes we make mistakes, and some of these things can never be fixed, no matter how powerful you become… some things just are… and everyone has to live with that.  
> Rowena {sobbing}: And now you’ll take me?  
> Death: No, you already know how your story ends. {Death looks at Sam}

Rowena was never gonna kill Sam. This was all about her trying to do one good thing after a lifetime she feels guilty over now. She realized that the life she lived to this point... took everything she LOVED from her-- Crowely, Oskar, her FAMILY... and at the end of this, the Winchesters (but specifically Sam, because her fate is tied to his) offer to help her change her fate... to give her back something she can LOVE.

Sound familiar? Like, every other major plot point I've discussed regarding Rowena to this point? Good. Because that's her story, that's her whole point. But... she's still not there yet. Over the rest of s13, she will choose to not only face Lucifer directly-- her greatest fear-- but she'll risk everything to keep the rift to the AU open long enough for the Winchesters to find Mary and Jack and return. And she'll begin risking herself more and more for the Winchesters through s14... helping with Jack (even though her spell to save him fails, she bonds with Jack and Jack begins mirroring her like he does Sam, Dean, and Cas... as far as I can tell, this is how you are officially recognized as a Winchester-- when the Winchester family narrative mirror character reflects your story). Her assistance with Jack mirrors Castiel's, as well.

in 14.14, and I'm not gonna write about it extensively here, because I said this post wasn't going to be about shipping, but, um... all of Dean and Cas's scenes where they have the most honest talks they've had in years, are paralleled directly to scenes of Sam and Rowena together, so... I need to take a short aside here, because if anyone actually reads this far in this thing, you're probably invested by now. So I'll take this small risk. To everyone who thinks they "stopped writing the destiel narrative" after 13.06 and only picked it up again at the end of s14, I'm gonna not very humbly and vehemently disagree with that. And suggest that if you saw no romantic potential building between Sam and Rowena throughout this period, it's because you were looking for surface-level destiel tropes and didn't see them. But they stopped writing destiel through tropes YEARS ago, and instead built it into the character arcs and narrative structure. They built the narrative itself on Dean and Cas’s inability to fully communicate with one another, their beliefs that the other didn’t feel the same way and wanted something different, or was only still involved with them because they were needed, not because they were wanted. All the while the pining ramped up way past 11. And if you can't see that, I kinda despair of anyone ever being able to see it, because it's powerfully, blatantly there. It's just not there in the "checks down the list of tvtropes" cutesy sort of way. Instead, it's become part of the story itself, deliberately built into the structure. Built into the narrative goals they’re only now able to reach for since Chuck laid himself and his machinations out on the table in 14.20. It was always there, building to this point where it has broken all of them-- Dean and Cas, and Sam, and Rowena. (Not to mention Jack, who as their narrative mirror was the catalyst to all of this, and Mary, the feminine refridged again to be used as both a plot device and character motivation by Chuck in his horrifying story.)

And if you can swallow that, I'll say this very plainly here... this is exactly how they built Sam and Rowena's relationship in tandem. Sam and Eileen had two trope-filled episodes together that I thought were exciting and cute two and a half years ago. I'm perfectly happy to accept them as an endgame couple if that's how things shake out. But it would be like Jo suddenly coming back from the dead now and being Dean's intended endgame. Flirty and cute and once upon a time had romantic potential, but Dean is not the same person he was back then, and neither is Sam now. I just... can't see it yet. If they grow Sam and Eileen’s relationship beyond the cutesy tropes, then I’ll be here for it. But my reluctance is also possibly because I am certain that Rowena's story is not yet finished. And because of everything I wrote above, I can't see ANY scenario in which she would return as "Queen of Hell." I think... she would detest that. She detested everything about Hell even while she was ingratiating herself to and manipulating Crowley back in s10. She didn't want power over hell, she wanted the power and protection and clout that came with being the mother of the King of Hell. Those are two WILDLY different things. And that entire life she spent hoarding power the way we saw Crowely do for years, that's what she's repenting for now. That's what she feels her life stole from her-- LOVE.

At the end of 15.03, and what she told Sam would power her spell after her confidence in her first spell was shattered, her own personal magic failed in the face of Chuck's magic, she tried a second path that would rely on help from Belphegor and Cas on the other end of it. That failed because Cas couldn't allow Belphegor to become a new evil god in the process. That left Rowena with no more choices. The only thing she had left to work with was God-level magic-- Chuck Magic-- aka Prophecy. Which was never a choice at all.

And her reasoning?

> ROWENA My last resurrection sachet. Won't need that where I'm going.  
> SAM Where y-- Where you're "going"? What are you talking about?  
> ROWENA Lilith's Crook, Belphegor sucking the souls into Hell -- that was your only shot. It wasn't mine. Magic can do anything, Samuel, can contain anything... even the vast multitudes of Hell.  
> SAM Contain? What do you mean, "contain"?  
> ROWENA I can soak them up for a time if I pay the price. "Death Is an Infinite Vessel." A spell so simple it draws its power from its caster. Just two ingredients.  
> SAM And you have them here?  
> ROWENA Aye.  
> SAM Rowena, why didn't you tell us?  
> ROWENA Because, dear, the first ingredient is my own still-coursing blood. And the last is my final breath.  
> SAM What?  
> ROWENA I'll absorb the ghosts and demons and return them to Hell. In time, my body'll break down, and they'll be released right where they belong.  
> SAM No, no. No. Rowena... no.  
> ROWENA Yes, Samuel. To perform this spell, I have to die. And it has to be you that kills me.  
> [Rowena hands him the dagger.]  
> SAM No.  
> ROWENA It has to be you. My real, permanent demise is at your hands. It's in Death's books.  
> SAM Yeah, well, you know what? Screw the books.  
> [Sam refuses to take the dagger.]  
> ROWENA I can't do this myself, Sam. I can't. It has to be you that kills me.  
> ROWENA Hell's closing. The walls are falling.  
> SAM There has to be another way.  
> ROWENA I wish there were... I do. I don't care about anything enough to take my own life. Not you, your brother... not even the world. But I believe in prophecy. I believe in magic. And I'm here, and you're here, and everything we need to end this right is in our hands.  
> [She puts the dagger in Sam’s hands and tries to get him to stab her.]  
> ROWENA I know this in my bones... it has to be this way. Do it! Kill me, Samuel!  
> [Sam hesitates. Rowena puts a hand on his shoulder.]  
> ROWENA I know we've gotten quite fond of each other, haven't we? But will you let the world die, let your brother die, just so I can live?

Because this is the main takeaway of all of this: I don't care about anything enough to take my own life. Not you, your brother... not even the world. But I believe in prophecy. I believe in magic.

She was suggesting that she could've powered the spell without Sam, if she'd cared about anything enough to generate the magic to do it within herself-- if she’d loved anything enough to kill herself and power the spell, which she firmly believes she could’ve recovered from via her sachet. But she didn't. She couldn’t. Her belief, her disposition, was powered by the fact the prophecy that Sam would be the one to kill her had empowered her even as she faced down Michael in 14.14. It wasn't love of her family-- at least not that she could admit to herself-- that drove her to accept Michael's bargain, it was ONLY her belief in that prophecy. That allowed her to hold Lucifer captive in 13.21 while everyone tore through the AU in search of Mary and Jack. THE PROPHECY that it would be SAM and only Sam who could kill her.

That was the ONLY thing she believed in enough for the spell to work, so she would HAVE to die permanently in order for it to be fulfilled.

That's not living. That's how she found her freedom from fear, but she never got the other half of it. She never got the love. Even if Rowena's return is just about accepting a happy place in the Winchester family, loving and being loved in return, that's... been the journey everyone's been on since 9.01 opened with Who Do You Love.

Her sacrifice had nothing to do with love, and everything to do with fulfilling the foreshadowing, completing the story as it was written. And for a character aligned with Amara, with Billie, with the Fridged Feminine of the Supernatural Universe, that is unacceptable.

Then, even after her supposed permanent death, we had an entire episode _about Rowena_ , where her perspective loomed over the main action of the episode via her off-kilter portrait watching events. She’s even credited with killing Jacinda, the first witch to break into her apartment. Even Eileen pointed out to Sam that he missed her, his pain was so obvious. And that’s the punchline to the cosmic joke here.

Like a lot of destiel shippers have said forever, even if they intended to end the series with an unspecified sort of love being expressed, I feel just as strongly about Rowena knowing she's loved as I do about Cas. Their stories have been on that same trajectory for a long while now, probably since Lucifer killed her wearing Castiel's face. At this point, I don't know if I can accept anything less for Rowena as a character, just as I wouldn't accept anything less for Cas.

Her story is so closely tied to Billie's and to Amara's, I think at the very least she has some powerful allies who have the potential to make things happen in that direction. And since Billie is Dabb's avatar, and we don't yet know her plans, I'm cautiously optimistic that Rowena will get what she deserves.

**Author's Note:**

> I normally use the end notes to invite people to come yell with me on tumblr, but I've had enough people yelling at me on tumblr over this already. If even a little of this resonates with you, you can find more posts along these lines on the tumbls. I'm still [mittensmorgul](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com) over there too.


End file.
